


i'm seeing the most in your eyes

by piginawig



Series: baby i didn't know, but i'm glad that you found me [2]
Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Adult Losers - Age 22, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Bisexual Richie Tozier, Coming Out, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Homophobia, Lots of dialogue, M/M, Minor StanPat, Minor benverly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2019-11-13
Packaged: 2021-01-29 21:28:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21416947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piginawig/pseuds/piginawig
Summary: Eddie comes out to his mom, visits with an old friend, applies for a job, and finds his home.It's been a busy week.sequel to 'i've been waiting'
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: baby i didn't know, but i'm glad that you found me [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1543945
Comments: 21
Kudos: 445





	i'm seeing the most in your eyes

**Author's Note:**

> It's here! Hopefully the sequel doesn't disappoint. Unedited and un-beta'd so all mistakes are mine. Title from 'I Believe' by the Jonas Brothers. 
> 
> I'm eddiesleftarm on tumblr, feel free to come visit

Eddie stared at the phone in his hand. The numbers were dialed, he just needed to press the TALK button. A feeling of dread sat heavily in his stomach, weighing him down and rendering unable to make the call. He huffed angrily at himself as tears filled his eyes. This was fucking stupid.

The call to his boss had gone over well. He told her that he wouldn’t be in today and that he needed to put in his two weeks’ notice. She had asked if anything was wrong and when Eddie told her he was relocating to LA, she offered to make some phone calls. Nothing was certain yet, but she said Eddie had been one of the best assistants she’d ever had and that he deserved a good job.

But now he had to call his mother.

He didn’t want to have the confrontation in person. The thought of looking her in the eye while telling her that he’s moving across the country to live with his boyfriend made him nauseous. The woman had moved him to a different state and stolen his money so he couldn’t leave; there was no telling how she was going to react to this news. He knew she had already overreacted to his disappearance. He assumed she had called the cops to report him missing, while the cops probably would’ve laughed her off. She’d be furious with him. And as time went on he had defied her more and more, but he had never _left_. She may not like the way he spoke to her, or the way he _didn’t_ speak to her, or that he worked in the city, or the way he dressed, or that he didn’t bother pretending to take his pills anymore. As long as he was under her roof, she could deal with it.

He pressed talk and put the phone to his ear, listening to ten beeps before the ringing started. Before the second ring had ended she had answered.

“Hello?” She sounded frantic. Eddie shut his eyes, fingers clutching the blanket he had wrapped around his shoulders.

“It’s me.”

She wailed. He couldn’t understand half of what she was saying, but he thought she accused him of trying to give her a heart attack. The last thing she said was, “Where are you? When can you be home? Do you need me to come get you?”

“No, Ma,” he said. “I’m in Los Angeles and I don’t need you to come get me.”

She wailed again. The nerves Eddie had faced all morning faded quickly, replaced by resentment.

“Ma, can you stop shrieking and let me talk?”

Silence.

“Thank you,” he said. He could hear her breathing heavily. “I’ve got a flight home this afternoon. And then – then another flight. In two weeks.”

Her voice dropped and Eddie bit his lip. “Excuse me?”

“I’m moving out, Ma,” he told her. “My boss is working on –“

“How dare you,” she seethed. “I have given you everything, Edward, and you repay me –“

“You haven’t given me shit!” He said angrily. “All you’ve ever done is take things away! My friends, my home, my money! You made me think I was sick for years! I have panic attacks because of you, because you’ve never loved me. You’ve only loved yourself.”

“I’ve only tried to protect you!”

“By moving me away from my friends? How was that protecting me?”

“They were bad influences!” She screamed. “They were dragging you down, they were dirty, they –“

He interrupted her. “Well guess what, Ma?”

She whimpered, as though knowing what he was about to say.

“I’m moving in with Ben.” He paused. His heart was racing so hard he could feel it. “And Beverly –“

“You will not!”

“And Richie.”

“I forbid it! Edward, you will come home right this instant, and… and… You can’t even afford it! You -“

She was crying. He hated the part of himself that felt bad for her, that felt guilty for doing this to her, that wanted to say _okay, I’ll stay_. But he couldn’t do that. Not anymore.

“I don’t have to pay rent,” he cut her off. “Until I have enough money, Richie’s paying for our room.”

She stopped crying. All he could hear for a few moments were her deep breaths, and then her voice, darkened and cold.

“What did you just say?” It didn’t sound like a question. Eddie thought it sounded more like an accusation.

“You heard me,” he told her, matching her tone. “And… Do you know what, Ma?”

She didn’t say anything, but he could feel her anger, her disgust, through the phone. Eddie could almost laugh. As if she hadn’t known for years. As if she hadn’t ignored the truth and only let herself see what she wanted to see.

“Do you know what, Ma?” He repeated, and without waiting for an answer he told her the truth. “He loves me more than you ever did, and I love him more than I ever loved you.”

He was breathing heavily himself, regretting the words as soon as they were out of his mouth. Years of pent up emotion had risen to the surface, and something in him snapped. He wanted her to hurt. To see what it felt like to be betrayed by someone who was supposed to love you. He felt tears welling up again, listening to her breaths, waiting for her to say something. At least ten seconds passed.

All he heard was a dial tone.

* * *

Four boxes sat on the front porch when he arrived home.

* * *

He cleared his throat as he waited for an answer, but he knew he would break down as soon as he started talking. He fucking hated payphones, hated thinking about the germs living on every surface, but he didn’t know what else to do.

“Hello?” Bev’s voice was pleasant. Eddie released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

“It’s me,” he said quietly.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, suddenly sounding more alert.

“She – um…” He swallowed thickly. “There’s just four boxes outside my house. Her house. I don’t – I don’t have anywhere to go. I could probably afford a cheap hotel for a night or two but I have two weeks at work and-“

“Hey, okay, it’s okay,” Bev murmured, and though Eddie didn’t believe her, it did soothe him. “We’ll figure this out, okay? Hold on one second.”

Eddie could hear voices but couldn’t make them out. He was pretty sure it was Ben. He wiped at his eyes as he waited for Beverly.

“Okay!” She announced. “Go to the airport. Take your time getting there, but if you wait by baggage claim, someone will find you. It’ll be tonight, okay?”

“Bev, who –“

“I’m sorry, Eddie, I don’t know yet. Ben’s working on it, okay?”

He nodded even though she couldn’t see him. He sniffled. “Is Richie there?”

He could hear Beverly’s sad sigh and knew what she was going to say before she said it. “No, hon, he’s at the station.”

“That’s okay. So be at the airport baggage claim. Take my time. How much time?”

“At least five or six hours, probably.”

“Okay,” he said softly. “I – Uh – What time does Richie get home?”

“Two hours tops. Are you gonna call back?” She asked.

“Maybe,” he answered, unsure about the amount of coins he had in his wallet. “Bev, I can’t carry all those boxes.”

“Leave them there. Maybe go through some shit – see if you can condense. But you don’t have to take it to the airport with you, whoever’s there is gonna get a rental –“

“Bev, that’s so expensive –“

“You’re literally stranded right now, Eddie. Do you want us to just leave you there?” Her tone changed, like this was an argument she’d had before and she knew how to handle it.

“I love you,” he told her.

“I love you, too, honey. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

* * *

When he returned to his house he grabbed one of the boxes and, as quietly as possible, moved it across the street. There was a sidewalk, small patches of grass, and then fences. Once one box was on the sidewalk, he went to get another. He then moved them each a few houses away from his mother’s. He didn’t want her to look out the window and see him. He didn’t want to glance at the window and see her.

The first box was entirely bathroom items. Shampoo, body wash, hand soap, hair gel that he used for work, a comb, his razor, and a few other items that he thought she must have just dumped in. A peek of red caught his eye and he reached in, hand closing around his inhaler. He cursed out loud, bit back a scream, and threw it as hard as he could.

He didn’t hear it land.

He turned back to the box. Underneath the products were either two or four towels, two hand towels, and one washcloth. There was plenty more room in the box, so he opened the next one. It was filled with shirts. Each shirt was folded in half, still on its hanger. They were all dress shirts, the ones he wore under his suit jacket for work. He lifted up as many as he could but there was nothing else in the box. He opened the third and found the rest of his suit and a collection of ties. His dress shoes were placed neatly on top. There was nothing else in that box, either.

He opened the fourth and tried not to cry. Inside was a set of plates and bowls, silverware and a toaster. He angrily kicked at the box, suddenly hating himself for expecting more. No photos, no planners, no clothes he wanted to wear, no shoes he liked, no baby blanket, no track trophies, no high school or college diploma, no framed letter his dad had written him before he died. Not a single personal item. He let himself fall to the ground, holding his knees to his chest. He hid his face and cried.

* * *

Eddie sat on a bench in the middle of the baggage claim area, glancing around and bouncing his leg. He watched as every new group came through, all huddling around one conveyor belt and collecting suitcases. He hadn’t called Richie. He knew he would just cry the entire time and he’d had enough of that for now and he knew Richie would understand. His watch told him it was nearing 9 PM when he saw a flight from Atlanta had just landed. He’d been keeping an eye out for flights from Atlanta, from Orlando (he wasn’t kidding himself – he knew it would be Mike or Stan. California was too long a flight for anyone else to be here by tonight). He drew up Stan’s face in his mind, imagining what he would look like now, five years after the last time Eddie had seen him.

And after fifteen minutes of waiting, he found out. A grin broke out on his face, the first he’d felt all day, as they locked eyes across the room, and he stood up and began moving. They met in the middle, arms wrapped around each other in a hug. When they pulled away from the embrace, Eddie realized he had to look up a bit to meet Stan’s eyes up close.

“Oh come on,” he said. “When did you grow?”

It startled a laugh out of Stan, who clearly hadn’t been expecting his height to be the first thing Eddie questioned.

“Senior year,” he answered proudly. “Only Richie’s taller than me now.”

“That extra inch is pure hair and ego,” said another voice. Eddie realized the woman standing next to Stanley must be Patty, and her comment made him snort.

“Oh, good,” Eddie commented to her with a smile. “I already like you.”

He looked back to Stan who wore a large smile. He wrapped an arm around Patty’s waist.

“So. You ready for Atlanta?”

“I mean,” Eddie shrugged. “I have no idea what anyone has planned, so… I guess?”

“Oh, I thought you were going to call Richie,” Stan said. Eddie looked down at the floor and Stan took that as his answer. “Well, we were thinking we’d get a rental car and take it to your mom’s house to grab your boxes and then –“

“No,” Eddie interrupted him. “She didn’t… It was all nothing. Clothes I don’t want, kitchen and bathroom shit I don’t need. Not – Not anything I would’ve actually wanted.”

“What the fuck?” Stan said loudly. Eddie noticed a few people glance at them. He missed things like that. They tended to be a loud group.

“It’s whatever –“

“It’s _not_ fucking whatever,” Stan told him. “No, you’ve got – I don’t know, fucking… that – that letter on your wall? Pictures? She didn’t even give you a single picture of your dad?”

It was obvious Stanley was upset, and in the back of Eddie’s mind he knew Richie’s reaction would be even worse. His friends had always hated his mom, never hid their feelings toward her once Eddie had told them about his asthma being a lie. Stan had always been particularly rude about his mother and it had been the only thing they’d ever fought about in the decade they were friends. Eddie remembered the way he would get onto his friends any time they commented on her, how he hated hearing their opinions because he knew they were right. But he still loved her. He couldn’t help it, and their unfiltered insults didn’t help.

But as time went on and he had to live with her without the support of his friends, he started to see more and more where they were coming from. Bev was the only one who had ever gotten it, how hard it could be to love the person that hurts you the most. He could admit to himself that he didn’t like her, but she had raised him, taken care of him, made sure he was fed and clothed and had a roof to sleep under and a bed to sleep in. And he knew she didn’t mean to hurt him, when he was a kid. She was scared. He wondered when it changed. When the shift from concern for his health into concern for herself happened.

He figured it was the day she handed him his first inhaler.

And he thought the day she moved him away from his friends with no way to contact them must have been when the shift from concern for herself to concern that she had lost control over him happened.

He tried so hard for so long to ignore what she was doing to him. But when it was just the two of them in New York, he couldn’t ignore it anymore. She took away the only thing that had ever made him happy. Away from people who actually loved him. Maybe she was afraid he’d learn what real love was, realize it wasn’t the kind of stifling, controlling love she gave him.

Once they were in New York, his love _slowly slowly slowly_ faded. With every new inhaler, every trip to the emergency room, every school trip he didn’t get to go on, the light he had been shining on her, the light that let him love her because he couldn’t see the bad through the glare, dimmed more and more.

When she stole his money so he couldn’t leave her, the light flickered.

When she left him boxes without any of the things she knew he would want, the light went out.

So when Stan cursed his mother, for the first time in his life, he agreed.

“So, I’ve heard bits and pieces from everyone about your mom,” Patty said carefully. “Can she move particularly quickly?”

At the words, a smirk grew on Stan’s face as a look of horror dawned on his own.

“No – I can’t, I…”

“I can,” Stan offered.

“She will literally call the police if anyone goes into the house.”

“She doesn’t need to know I’m there,” Stan said.

Eddie sucked in a nervous breath.

“Does she still go to bed early? I mean, you said you were able to sneak out in the middle of the night. Why wouldn’t I be able to sneak in, pack a bag for you, and sneak back out?”

It wouldn’t work. Eddie knew it wouldn’t. Stanley didn’t know the layout of the house, didn’t know which floorboard creaked, didn’t know where Eddie’s things would be. Eddie was already picturing the best route to his bedroom, where each important item would be, where his duffel was. Surely if the police were called… Surely they’d understand the situation, so long as it wasn’t just Stan, who could be charged with breaking and entering. Maybe even burglary if he was carrying Eddie’s things.

Eddie swallowed. “I need you to go in with me.”

Stan nodded. “Of course. I’m a fucking _birdwatcher_, Eddie. You really think I’m going to get caught?”

* * *

They get caught.

Their entrance was uneventful. Eddie used his key to open the front door, and he only opened it to the point that the hinges wouldn’t screech. Stan followed closely, shutting the door silently behind him. Eddie noticed the television was left on in the living room, volume loud enough that it floated through the house. Eddie assumed she did it to feel less alone. He fought the instinct to feel guilty.

They made it to his bedroom quietly enough, and Stan sat on the bed while Eddie scurried around the room, filling his duffel with everything he could think of. Letter from his dad, photo album of his childhood, featuring pictures of the losers and his dad. Both diplomas. His baby blanket from the top shelf of his closet. He eyed his trophies but decided against it; they would take up too much room. He opened a drawer and began rolling t-shirts. Stan joined him, rolling each pair of jeans and shorts Eddie pointed out for him. Two pairs of shoes. He glanced around the room, heart racing in his chest. This was it. He wouldn’t have another opportunity to choose which of his possessions he would get to keep.

He suddenly remembered a little wooden box filled with keepsakes that he’d been gifted before he moved. Movie ticket stubs, a polaroid of Bev with a wide grin, his cereal box pinkie ring, his clubhouse shower cap, a lens from a pair of glasses with a crack down the middle, a strip of photos from a photobooth of the whole losers club when they were 13, and another of just Eddie and Richie when they were 16.

He reached under his bed until his hand touched wood, and he grabbed the box out and placed it carefully in his bag.

“I think that’s everything,” Eddie said, as he stuffed underwear and socks into the outside pocket of the bag. He stopped in the doorway before turning the light out, feeling sick.

“C’mon,” Stan whispered, resting a hand on his shoulder. Eddie nodded and stepped in front of Stan, and they took light steps down the hallway as they passed Sonia’s room. Eddie sighed when they reached the living room, trying to breathe slowly and keep calm.

Someone screamed behind them. Eddie and Stan spun, eyes wide as they were met with their worst case scenario.

“Stan, take my bag and go to the car,” Eddie said quietly, not taking his eyes off his mother. Stan took the bag and shouldered it but he didn’t move.

“You aren’t welcome here,” she said, raising her voice to be heard over the television.

“Yeah, I got the message,” Eddie answered, all the anger seeping out of him. He was just fucking _tired_. “But I’m not leaving without my stuff. These are _my_ possessions, you can’t keep them.”

“They were in my house.”

“And if you hadn’t woken up they would’ve been out of your house without you even noticing,” Eddie told her.

“Is it the letter? From your dad?” She asked, stepping closer. Her cheeks were blotchy. “I didn’t pack anything from your father because you don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve any of his love, any of mine. What am I supposed to do, Eddie? Live here on my own? With no one to take care of me? While you run off to live in sin?”

He fought the urge to roll his eyes. She was baiting him by mentioning his father, and he was sick of falling for it.

“Yeah, Ma, that’s exactly what you’re supposed to do. You’re a grown fucking woman. You can take care of yourself.”

Tears began to stream down her cheeks and Eddie felt Stan’s hand on his arm.

“Stop crying. You’ve hurt me my entire life –“ He ignored her wail of denial, continuing to speak. “You told me I was sick, you made me believe I was delicate, too delicate to play sports, to have friends, to do anything. You made it your mission to make me as unhappy as possible. And when I was finally happy, you brought me here.”

She was gaping at him, breathing loudly as tears continued to fall. Eddie felt a buzz under his skin as he spoke.

“You have made me miserable my entire life,” he told her. “And you _knew_ it. You knew how much I hated it! You knew I wasn’t sick! None of that was for me, Ma! That was for you! You can’t fucking survive unless you’re the center of attention, unless you have someone to scream and cry at. It’s not gonna be me anymore. I’m going to go live my life with my boyfriend and finally be happy, and when someone asks me about my mom?” He swallowed thickly. He wasn’t going to cry. He wouldn’t let her see him affected. “I’ll tell them my mom is dead.”

“_Fuck_,” Stan whispered behind him. His heart pounded so loudly that he couldn’t make out the words she was screaming as he turned his back on her and walked out the door.

* * *

Stan called to book their flights for two days later and booked two hotel rooms in Queens. When they reached the hotel, Stanley parked the rental car and the three of them sat on the bed in Eddie’s room. Eddie could tell how much Patty and Stan loved each other based on how they talked to each other, how well they responded to each other without words, the conversation they were having with just their eyes. It made his chest ache in a way it hadn’t since he’d first left Derry. He’d numbed that ache, filled that hole in his chest over the last five years but now that he had Richie back… Somehow, just a day away from him was enough to carve his heart open all over again.

“Hey,” Stan said suddenly, glancing away from Patty to Eddie, who had been blankly staring at the hotel comforter beneath his hands. Eddie looked up at him and saw he was holding his cell phone. “I know it’s late, but I’m sure Richie wouldn’t mind waking up to talk to you.”

Eddie looked at the alarm clock on the nightstand. It was a little after one in the morning.

“It’s only ten there,” he said, taking the phone when Stan shoved it at him. “Is his –“

“His number, the landline, and Bev’s cell are all programmed in,” Stan told him. “Now we’re going to bed. You can give that back in the morning.”

Eddie smiled softly, staring down at the device in his hands. Patty gave his hand a squeeze as she got off the bed and Stan waved as they walked out the door. Once it had closed behind them, he began looking through the contact list. He hovered over Richie’s number, biting his lip and worrying about Richie’s reaction. For a moment he debated not calling at all, not talking to Richie about it until he could do it in person, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold out for that long. He had almost 60 hours before he’d see him again. It felt like too long to wait.

There were only three rings before Richie answered. “Hello? Stan? Do you have him?”

Eddie couldn’t help but smile to himself at the impatience in his voice. “It’s me.”

He could hear a loud sigh of relief through the speaker. “How are you? Where are you? Are you with Stan?”

“Which of those questions would you like me to answer first?” He asked with a grin.

“Any, please,” Richie said politely, though Eddie could picture the lively smirk on his face.

“I’m at a hotel in Queens. Stan and Patty are next door sleeping.”

Richie was quiet for a moment. “And the other question? How are you?”

Eddie cleared his throat. “Um… I don’t know. I’m – I’m tired, I guess.”

“Oh,” Richie said with disappointment in his voice. “Well, I can let you get to sleep –“

“No!” Eddie cried, closing his eyes and mentally smacking himself. He braced himself for a laugh that never came.

“Okay,” Richie said softly. “I’m – I’m here. I won’t hang up.”

Eddie nodded even though he was alone. “Thank you.”

“If you’re tired, you could like, put the phone right next to your face and close your eyes and fall asleep to the sound of my breathing.”

Eddie frowned in confusion. “Is that supposed to be rom-“

He was cut off by the sound of Richie breathing heavily. Loud, heaving breaths and the occasional choking sound.

“Fuck off,” Eddie laughed. Richie stopped with the noises and began laughing, too.

“What? Are you saying that wasn’t romantic?”

“So peaceful,” Eddie agreed with a snort. “So loving. So gentle.”

“Yeah, baby, I’ll show you gentle,” Richie answered lewdly.

“What?” Eddie questioned through a giggle. “How are you going to _show me_ gentle?”

“I’m gonna…” Richie paused, thinking about it. “I’m gonna give you… uh – really soft… kisses?”

Eddie burst into loud laughter, throwing his hand up to cover his mouth.

“Hey!” Richie cried. “That was sincere!”

“It was _gentle_, too,” Eddie snickered.

“Shut the fuck up.” The grin was evident in his voice. “Anyway!”

“Sorry, Rich,” Eddie said, clearly not sorry. “I would love it if you’d give me really soft kisses.”

“I – um.” Richie cleared his throat. He began to stammer. “That’s – it’s… Okay. Cool. I…”

Eddie’s cheeks began to hurt from smiling.

“Shut up,” Richie whined. “I can hear you smirk from here.”

“No, please, continue to tell me how cool and okay it is –“

“I’m flustered!” he squeaked. “You’ve flustered me!”

Eddie took a breath, swallowing another laugh. “Well if you’re already flustered, can I say something sappy without getting made fun of?”

“Pft,” Richie said. “You made fun of my soft kisses, I’m not letting you get off the hook that easy.”

Eddie rolled his eyes fondly. “I miss you. Even though it hasn’t even been a whole day since I saw you.”

“I miss you, too.”

“And,” he continued, “I wanna talk to you about what happened but… I know I’m gonna cry, right? And I don’t want to do that on the phone because I want – I want you to hold me when I cry, okay?”

It felt like ripping off his own skin, like he had let himself become the most raw and vulnerable he’d ever been. He fidgeted with his fingers as he listened to Richie’s breath hitch on the other side of the line.

“I can do that,” Richie promised, his voice softer than it had been.

“Okay,” he whispered back, sinking further into the bed, pulling the comforter up to his chin. He closed his eyes. “I was kinda scared to call you earlier.”

“What? Why?”

“I didn’t want to get upset. Again.” He sighed, shifting against the sheets. “It’s been a bad day. I just wanted – I don’t know what I wanted. To not think about it, I guess. Which you helped me do. Like, you made me laugh and stuff. And, like, you make me happy. So.”

He felt heat rising in his cheeks.

“Aw, Eds,” Richie cooed, and Eddie groaned, covering his face with his free hand. “It’s like you like me or something!”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” he answered.

“Oh, you _so_ like me!”

“Shut up!”

“_That’s not a no_,” Richie sang.

Eddie rolled his eyes and tried not to smile. “Okay fine. No, I don’t like you.”

Richie gasped loudly and dramatically. “Eddie!”

“No, I don’t like you,” he said. Then, since he’d already laid himself bare anyway, he mumbled, “I don’t like you. I love you.”

“Eds,” Richie sighed. “You sure know how to make a girl blush.”

Eddie groaned loudly and rolled onto his side. “Shut up.”

“I love you, too.” He could hear the smile in Richie’s voice. “You must be tired. Sleep deprived, even. You’re never this nice when you’re awake.”

“Hey!” Eddie cried. “I am so nice!”

“You _are_ so nice,” Richie agreed easily. “My favorite person. Light of my life.”

“I think _you’re_ the one who’s sleep deprived,” Eddie told him.

Richie laughed. “Not sleep deprived, baby, just love drunk.”

“Jesus Christ,” Eddie muttered.

“Please don’t act surprised,” Richie said. “You knew this is what dating me would be like.”

“Yeah, well.”

“Yeah, well, what?”

“Shut up,” Eddie said eloquently. “You aren’t funny.”

“Oh! Speaking of funny!”

“Are you capable?”

Richie ignored him. “You’ll get to see my show! My standup! Right? You’ll be there? This weekend?”

“Obviously,” Eddie said around a yawn. “Fuck. Okay, I’m actually tired now.”

“Want me to do the breathing thing again?”

“Fuck off,” he said with a laugh. “Anyway, I’m gonna go. I can call you again tomorrow night?”

“If you want to.”

“I – I mean, do you want me to?”

“What?”

“I don’t want to call if you don’t want me to, or if you’re busy. I don’t have to.”

“Eddie, I want you to call me if you want to call me.”

Eddie huffed. “So you want me to?”

Richie barked a laugh. “Yes, Eds. Please call me, _please_.”

Eddie felt the corner of his lip twitch upward and he fought it. “Shut up, now I won’t.”

“I love you, Eds,” Richie said, ignoring his comment. Eddie’s whole body felt warm from the inside out and he had to fight to keep from releasing a giddy laugh.

“Love you, too, Rich,” he replied softly. “’Night.”

* * *

“Hello, Mr. Kaspbrak.”

Eddie gave his boss (ex-boss, now, he supposed) a small smile.

“I wasn’t expecting you for a few more days, thought you’d be packing,” she said pleasantly.

Eddie nodded uncomfortably. “There’s been an unfortunate change of plans, Miss Williams.”

She nodded, gesturing for him to take a seat in front of her desk. Eddie had always liked her. She was young, barely into her thirties, and she seemed to understand Eddie’s work habits well. She never pushed because she knew he would always meet deadlines, but she did always check in because she knew he would be too timid to ask for help if he needed it. She’d given him every vacation day he’d ever asked for. She was, Eddie thought glumly, the best boss he’d ever have.

“What’s going on, Eddie?”

He sighed heavily. He’d never told her about his mother. She knew he lived in a small house in Queens and that he was unmarried, but he’d only been there a few months and it was always hard to tell someone that he was a grown man living with his mother.

“I already let you know that I’m moving to California, and I had planned to stay at home the next two weeks to finish out my time here but my…” He paused, wincing. “My housing plans fell through. I don’t have anywhere to stay after tonight.”

“Did your real estate agent fuck up?” She asked bluntly. “Because I know a great lawyer for that –“

“My mom kicked me out,” he blurted. He could feel the heat rise in his cheeks. “I – It’s her house. I’m moving to California to live with – with some friends. I was visiting them and when I came back I wasn’t – I was no longer welcome. So. I’m honestly not sure what to do in this situation.”

Miss Williams had raised her eyebrows, and as he continued speaking her jaw dropped. “Did she kick you out because you’re planning on leaving?”

He took a deep breath._ It’s New York City,_ he told himself, _not Derry. She’s not going to care. Tom from HR is gay and nobody gives a fuck, just _say _it._ “One of the friends I’m moving in with is – uh… I’m moving in with my boyfriend. And she’s not… Um, a fan. Of that. So.”

The dramatic eye roll and huff he got in response almost made him crack a smile. “Such bullshit,” she muttered to herself, before speaking to Eddie again. “Don’t worry about the two weeks, sweetie. I can survive without an assistant for a few days, and this place is crawling with college grads desperate for this job. I can still get in touch with some contacts in LA for you, but I can’t promise anything in the next few weeks. I don’t know if anyone has openings. But apply, Eddie, to anything you think might be a fit for you. Put me down as a reference. I’m happy to speak to potential employers for you.”

“Thank you,” he choked, blinking away tears. “I really appreciate it. This is all – it’s very sudden. I’m very lucky to have so many people willing to help out.”

“That’s not luck, sweetheart,” Miss Williams said with a smile. “You put good out into the universe, you get good back. This is just you getting your good back.”

He nodded, aware that if he spoke his voice would wobble embarrassingly.

“Go empty your desk,” she told him. “Best of luck, Eddie.”

* * *

He held Stan in a hug in the middle of the airport, unwilling to let go just yet. Stan and Patty’s flight to Atlanta was boarding soon, and Eddie’s flight to LA would be boarding not long after that. But Eddie still had a few moments to hug his best friend, so he did. Finally, Stan pulled back with a sad smile, and Patty stepped forward. Eddie hugged her, too, though for a much shorter time, and they were in the middle of saying their goodbyes when the call came for their flight to start boarding.

“So we’ll see you for my birthday, right?” Eddie checked, though he’d been told multiple times that was the plan.

“Yes,” Stanley assured him with a laugh. “Just because you’re back doesn’t mean we’re giving up our Eddie’s Birthday Celebration Party. Now we just don’t have to do the sad toast at the beginning.”

“It is a bit depressing,” Patty commented, smiling. “It’s like, ‘let’s toast to Eddie, who’s, you know, hopefully still alive somewhere, but who we haven’t seen in years. And let’s have a moment of silence in his honor, so Richie can cry a little bit, and now let’s take shots.’ It’s an odd way to start a party.”

Eddie groaned and Stanley cackled. “God, you guys are the fucking worst. Do you really –“

“Oh yeah, it’s a whole tribute,” Stan confirmed. “We’re definitely still going to do it this year.”

Eddie had no doubt. “Go catch your flight, jackass,” he said fondly, waving as they walked toward their gate. Once they were out of sight, he turned and walked to his own gate, finding an empty seat. He smiled. He was only 6 hours away from seeing Richie again.

* * *

“Jesus Christ, Eddie,” Beverly said. “At least _try_ not to look disappointed to see me.”

Eddie frowned, wrapping her in a hug. “I’m not disappointed! I’m excited to see you!”

“You’re disappointed that I’m not Richie,” she countered. “Although I don’t take it personally. I could be Leo DiCaprio and you’d be disappointed I’m not Richie.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. His duffel was in the backseat and he sat in the passenger seat as Beverly pulled out of the pick-up lane at the airport.

“That’s not true,” he lied. “Anyway, I just saw all of you the other day. It’s not like it’s been _years_ or anything.”

Beverly gasped loudly. “Too soon! Too soon to make jokes!”

Eddie threw his head back and laughed. Bev shook her head at him. “Anyway, how was your time with Stan?”

“Good!” He turned the volume dial on the console down. “We mostly hung out in Queens. I took them to my favorite restaurants and coffee shops. We went to Manhattan for a few hours so I could quit my job and empty my desk and I showed them the bookstore I saw Bill’s book.”

“What do you think about Patty?”

“She’s great,” Eddie said honestly. “I was sitting with them feeling like such a third wheel, but it didn’t even hurt my feelings because they go so well together. And I decided that since you guys had to replace me in the Losers Club, she’s a choice I approve of.”

He grinned as Beverly squawked. “That is an outrageous accusation! You haven’t been replaced! You’re really pushing it today, dude. I will kick you out of this car.”

“No you won’t,” Eddie said.

“No, I won’t,” Beverly agreed. “But you’re on thin fucking ice, my friend.”

“Noted.” He watched the scenery speed by as they made their way home (and wasn’t that a crazy thought? That he was going _home_, that his home also belonged to some of his favorite people, that home wasn’t somewhere to dread but somewhere to relax into the rest of his life?) and Eddie agreed when Beverly suggested they stop for a quick dinner. It would still be a few hours before Richie got home, anyway.

Eddie didn’t talk much about his brief trip to New York and Beverly didn’t ask, which he was grateful for. He knew he needed to talk about it, and he planned to, but he wasn’t about to have that conversation in the middle of an Olive Garden on a Thursday evening. He didn’t think it was a conversation he’d ever have with anyone but Richie, in the safety and comfort of their (_their_, he thought excitedly) bedroom.

He took a giant bite of his second breadstick and watched Beverly swirl spaghetti on her fork.

“I’m actually happy Richie isn’t here,” he commented, and she paused with her fork halfway to her mouth, confused. “The spaghetti. He’d never let it go.”

She grinned. “Aw, do you miss your dumb nicknames? I can call you Eddie Spaghetti if you want!”

“I’d sooner die,” he said, monotone. Beverly laughed.

“Yeah, guess that’s the kind of thing only Richie can get away with, huh, Eds?”

He huffed. “He doesn’t _get away_ with it.”

“Oh, honey,” she reached out to pat his hand. He took a forceful bite of bread. “It’s cute that you tell yourself that.”

Eddie gasped, hand over his heart. “Miss Marsh, how dare you!”

She giggled. “Besides, we all know you secretly love it. Even when we were kids. Even Richie knows that.”

Eddie’s cheeks burned. “Shut up.”

“Okay, Spaghetti Man.”

He tore off a piece of bread and threw it at her, biting back a smile. “You’re a menace.”

“You know, I’ve been told that,” she said. “Think I’ve heard it specifically from your boyfriend.”

Eddie felt a wave of warmth wash over him at the word _boyfriend_. Apparently it could be seen on his face, because Beverly groaned.

“God, you guys are going to have an absolutely insufferable honeymoon phase, aren’t you?”

“Maybe,” he said. His cheeks were hot. It was difficult, being so seen, so known. He hadn’t realized just how closed off he’d become until he’d been opened back up again. He figured he would have to get used to it. Especially if his feelings for Richie were just written right across his face.

They finished their meal quickly and by the time they reached the house, Richie was due home in less than an hour. Eddie dropped his duffel in Richie’s – his – _their_ bedroom before taking a quick shower. He got dressed in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt he’d packed from home and almost grimaced at the thought of not having gotten any of his things. He put the bag on the bed and began removing all the clothes. Most of it needed to be hung in the closet – which, he noted, was barely half-full and in need of new hangers, and the rest could go in drawers. Richie had one small dresser with three drawers, and upon checking he found them stuffed with unfolded underwear and socks, t-shirts, and shorts. He pulled out a shirt and winced at the wrinkles.

“Hey, Eds.”

He turned at Richie’s voice. He hadn’t even heard the front door when Richie had come in. He smiled softly, dropping the t-shirt back into the drawer.

“We need to go shopping,” Eddie said as Richie pulled him into a tight hug. He smiled against Richie’s shirt when he felt a kiss pressed to the side of his head. “We need hangers and another dresser.”

“Can we talk about that after we’ve had our dramatic reunion?”

Eddie rolled his eyes but squeezed even tighter, tipping his head back until Richie leaned down for a soft kiss.

“I missed you,” Richie whined. “I can’t believe Stan stole you for two whole days!”

Eddie rolled his eyes even though he couldn’t hide his smile. “He hadn’t seen me in five years!”

“Neither had I!”

“Not the same,” Eddie argued. “Besides, you survived it.”

“Barely,” Richie said with a pout. Eddie pressed up on his toes and kissed him again. He tried to keep pouting when Eddie rocked back down on his heels but failed miserably. “Did you kiss Stan, too?”

“Mhm,” Eddie nodded with a smirk. “We made sweet sweet love while Patty waited in the next room. I gave him all your soft kisses.”

He gasped when Richie’s arms wrapped around his waist and lifted him, and a laugh burst from his chest when he landed on the bed. Richie kicked off his jeans until he was in just a t-shirt and boxers before he climbed on the bed next to Eddie. He ran a socked foot up Eddie’s shin, smiling when Eddie turned on his side to face him and threw a leg over Richie’s own. They shuffled until their heads were against the pillows and Eddie had Richie’s arm beneath his head like a pillow, their legs tangled together.

“Hello,” Richie whispered, goofy grin plastered across his face.

Eddie chuckled softly, burrowing his face in Richie’s bicep. “Stop starin’ at me, creep.”

“Can’t help it,” Richie said, unapologetic. Eddie peeked at him, feeling his cheeks heat up from the way Richie’s eyes were on him. “I’m re-memorizing your face.”

“Make me look better in your head than I do in real life,” Eddie requested, closing his eyes. The light in the room was bright against his lids and he wished one of them had thought to turn it off before they got comfortable in bed. He sighed, smirking to himself when Richie shivered beneath him. He couldn’t believe how responsive Richie was to his touch. It made him uncomfortably aware that he didn’t know if that was normal, that he didn’t know if anyone would react to his breath the way Richie did. He didn’t know if every part of his body that touched Richie’s was supposed to feel like fire, or if it was because everything was so new, or if it was because it was Richie.

“What happened?”

Eddie opened his eyes. Richie was watching him still, but now concern dotted his features.

“You went from looking happy to looking… I dunno. Something changed. What are you thinking about?”

He bit his lip and looked directly in front of him. He was eye level with Richie’s chest, and he focused on the grey of his t-shirt. “I’ve never done any of this before, so I… I just don’t know – Like, I’ve never been with anyone like this.”

“Like what?” Richie asked. “Like in a relationship? Because I haven’t either…”

“Yes but also…” He trailed off.

“Oh.”

“Not even just that!” Eddie insisted, his cheeks still hot. “I’ve never even just… Been with someone like this. Just laying here. I don’t – I don’t know if this is like, supposed to lead to something? Is it – I don’t… Are you expecting something from me right now? Not that that’s a bad thing, I just want to know –“

“Hey,” Richie said, stopping him. Their eyes met again, barely any space between them. “That’s okay. I really don’t have as much experience as you think I do, Eds. Anyone I dated before was… It was casual. It was more about sex than anything else.”

“Did you have a lot of sex?”

Richie’s eyes darted away and Eddie’s heart clenched in his chest.

“You don’t have to tell me.”

“I had sex pretty regularly, yes,” he said finally. “But it didn’t really mean anything.”

“Were you disappointed that we only did it once before I left?”

“Wha- Eddie, I had work in the morning!”

Eddie laughed a little. “Well, I don’t know! Don’t some people like, wake up in the middle of the night and do it? Or in the morning?”

“If you think I’m going to wake up during _a work night_ to have sex then you don’t know me at all, Eds,” Richie laughed, poking him in the side. “I need my beauty sleep.”

Eddie covered his face with a flailing hand. “Yes, you do.”

He felt Richie gasp against his palm and he shrieked when it was covered in wetness from Richie’s tongue. He wiped the spit off on Richie’s shirt and grimaced.

“You’re gross,” Eddie said.

“You’re the one that wants to have sex with me,” Richie grinned smugly.

“You don’t know that!”

“You already did!” Richie crowed. They shoved at each other, laughs mingling with yells.

“You don’t know!”

“I was there!”

Eddie’s laugh was cut off by Richie’s lips. The kiss was short and chaste, neither of them able to stop smiling long enough for more. Eddie curled further into Richie’s side, and before he could say anything he found himself yawning. He pushed his head against Richie’s chest and sighed when arms wrapped around him. His eyes were closed and he could’ve fallen asleep just like that, except –

“The fucking light is on,” he groaned. He could feel Richie’s snort of amusement. “Don’t laugh at me, asshole, it’s bright!”

“Your eyes are closed!”

“That’s how I know it’s bright!”

Richie laughed harder. Eddie pinched his side. Richie squealed. The bedroom door flew open.

“What the fuck are you guys doing in here?” Beverly asked from the doorway, the start of a smile on her face. “I can hear like, _squealing_ from across the hall. It sounded like a tickle fight.”

“Richie’s just dumb,” Eddie said by way of explanation. He ignored Richie’s indignant _hey!_ and looked over Richie’s shoulder to grin at her as if to say, _what can you do?_

“Well keep it down, will ya? Ben’s got work early tomorrow and no one can sleep while you guys squeak like mice over here.”

“Yeah, Richie, keep the squeaking to a minimum,” Eddie said in a serious tone. “Bev, can you turn off the light?”

She sighed loudly but the light turned off and Eddie smiled, sinking back into Richie’s embrace once the door clicked closed.

“She already regrets letting me move in,” Eddie said, smushed against Richie’s chest. “She and Ben are plotting my demise, probably.”

“Very likely,” Richie agreed. He pressed a kiss to Eddie’s head. “Go to sleep, Spaghetti. I don’t have work in the morning so we can do breakfast.”

“You don’t?”

“Nope,” Richie said, making a popping sound. “Only work the morning show three days a week. I don’t go in til afternoon tomorrow, but it means I get home later.”

“You need to write down your schedule so I know where the fuck you are at all times,” Eddie said without thinking. Richie made a noise of agreement before Eddie froze, eyes opening wide, not seeing the grey of Richie’s shirt in front of him. “Wait. Don’t – Don’t do that. I don’t mean – You… Fuck. Okay –“

“Eds,” Richie started, pulling back a bit so he could see Eddie’s face. “You’re malfunctioning.”

Eddie cracked a smile. “I know I am. I just don’t want… I have this fear of like, being too much like my mom. Too controlling. Or, like, needing to know where you are. I don’t actually have to know that. I mean, in general, sure, but – like, if you go to a work lunch I don’t need a heads up, you know? You’re your own person. And you don’t need to know my every move, either.”

Richie was running fingers through his hair as he spoke. When he finished he huffed out a breath and Richie leaned forward to kiss him.

“I’m not your keeper,” Richie told him quietly. “You can do whatever the fuck you want, okay? You never have to ask for permission, or worry how I’m going to react to something, or feel like you need to tell me everything.”

Eddie blinked and tears fell from his eyes, rolling down his nose and temple to the sheet beneath him._ This is it_, he thought to himself, using his toes to push himself more into Richie’s arms. He was about to break.

“She doesn’t love me anymore,” he whispered thickly. Richie’s hand continued to card through his hair, fingers tangling in the strands that were still damp from his shower. “She wasn’t even gonna give me my stuff. None of – not anything from my dad, not pictures, or – _nothing_. I ruined it, she doesn’t love me –“

He choked on a sob. He could feel Richie’s chin against the top of his head and he ducked his face further into Richie’s chest.

“She doesn’t deserve you.”

“I told her she’s dead to me,” he mumbled. “I was so mean.”

“You had every right to be mean, Eds,” Richie promised. “She never loved you the right way.”

“I keep thinking I’m past it,” he admitted, sniffling. “Like, every new thing she does… _This_ is when I stop loving her. _This_ is when I move on. But once the anger wears off it comes back, and I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t want to love her anymore but I do, I can’t –“

Richie shifted downward, making soft shushing noises until their foreheads were pressed together. “You don’t have to feel a certain way, Eddie. She’s your mom and you’ve spent your entire life loving her. And it wasn’t all bad, especially when you were little. Don’t… Don’t beat yourself up so much. You got out. That’s step one, that’s all you need to worry about right now. You got out and you’re not going back.”

Eddie didn’t answer; he just let Richie hold him while he cried._ It was almost like mourning a death_, he thought. He fell asleep after a few minutes, not noticing when Richie situated them more comfortably, pulling the blankets over their bodies and falling asleep himself.

* * *

He dreamed his mother died. A heart attack was the official diagnosis, it’s what the doctor told him (although, could he even trust this doctor? They were standing in his elementary school hallway, after all – why were they in Derry? He and his mother, and every aunt he’d ever had the misfortune of meeting, all outside the gymnasium of his elementary school, the gymnasium where his mother’s body lay on a hospital bed), it’s what would go on the death certificate. But his aunts screamed, shrilly informing him that it wasn’t a heart attack, no, not at all, she was healthy as a horse, they’d swear it on a Bible, just bring me a Bible Edward Kaspbrak and I’ll swear it, not a heart attack at all –

He dreamed his mother died of a broken heart.

When he woke he was angry, angry at himself and angry at her. Why couldn’t she have just been fucking _normal_? Why was he put in this situation to begin with? One where he was expected to take care of his mother every day of his life until she died? He wouldn’t even have minded, if that was all it was, but it wasn’t. She wanted control over every aspect of his life, wanted her to be the only thing he cared about. If she wasn’t the only person, the only _thing_ Eddie loved, then she wouldn’t love Eddie at all.

He curled against Richie’s sleep-warm body and fell back to sleep.

* * *

He didn’t dream again.

When he woke, it was to something poking his cheek incessantly. He opened his eyes to see that it was Richie’s finger poking him, attached to a grinning Richie.

“Good morning,” he said, too loudly for having just woken up.

“Asshole,” Eddie returned, shutting his eyes against the light coming through the window. “I have to pee.”

“Thanks for sharing,” Richie responded. “I already showered and brushed my teeth. And peed. If you cared to know.”

Eddie lifted a hand and blindly searched for Richie’s mouth. He covered it. “Stop talking.”

“It’s ten in the morning, Eds,” Richie said cheerfully. “Wake the fuck up!”

“Are you fucking possessed right now?” Eddie asked. “Seriously. Did a demon fucking possess you in the middle of the night?”

Richie laughed and kissed his cheek. “Nope! Just happy! Because I got to sleep in and wake up next to my boyfriend!”

“Fuck,” Eddie grunted. “That was cute.” He groaned loudly, stretching out his limbs. He frowned when he felt a wet spot on his shoulder. “Did you fucking _drool_ on me?”

“Absolutely,” Richie answered. “That’s just something you’re going to have to deal with, I’m afraid.”

“Richie,” he said. “Did you become a morning person at some point over the last five years?”

“My bad,” Richie said, though it didn’t sound like he was too apologetic. “Now that I’m not a growing teen who doesn’t need twelve hours of sleep to accommodate the stretching of my limbs, I actually wake up in the morning not wanting to kill everyone in sight. Also, I discovered coffee. Would you like some?”

“I will die if you don’t get me coffee,” Eddie said bluntly. He tried to fight a smile when he felt Richie’s lips on his cheek. He drifted for a few moments, then opened his eyes blearily when he felt the bed dip next to him. With loud complaints, he sat up and took the coffee cup from Richie.

“Good?” Richie asked as Eddie took his first sip. He nodded, letting his head fall so that it rested against Richie’s shoulder. They sat quietly until Eddie had finished about half his cup, then he gave Richie the cup and ran to the bathroom. He could hear Richie laughing behind him, which was not very fair, considering he’d already had to pee when he woke up. It was Richie’s fault for giving him liquid!

When he returned to the room Richie was lying on his back, arms propped behind his head. His shirt was riding up, exposing a strip of skin between the hem and his boxers. He stared, still unable to believe he was allowed to touch. Richie hadn’t noticed him yet, his eyes closed as Eddie stood in the doorway. With a shaking hand he reached behind him to close the door. Richie’s eyes opened at the sound.

“Hey,” he said softly, looking a little confused. Eddie didn’t know what to say. Last time it had started because he asked Richie to kiss him. But is that something he needed to ask every time? Or only then, because it had been their first time together? Did he just say it outright? _Hi, Richie, I’d very much like to have sex with you right now_. They certainly didn’t do that in movies, but they also didn’t show run of the mill, every day morning sex in movies, either. “Eds? You just gonna stand there, or…”

“Right,” he muttered to himself. He knew there was a flush on his cheeks as he crawled onto the bed, back into his own spot.

“You look either confused or constipated right now, and considering all the coffee you just drank I don’t think it’s the second one.”

Eddie stared at him. Why did he want to have sex with this idiot, again?

“Eddie?”

“Remember how we talked about like… how this is the first time I’ve done any of this before?” He said carefully. Richie nodded. “Right. Well. I’m finding new parts that I… Don’t know how to do. Or what’s normal.”

“I don’t know that there’s a normal, Eds,” Richie said. “Every relationship is different.”

“Right,” he groaned.

“Whatever it is, just ask me,” Richie told him with a short laugh. “It can’t be worse than whatever mental torture you’re currently putting yourself through.”

Eddie sighed loudly. “How do I… communicate to you… if I want. Like. You know. If I want to be intimate.”

There was silence for a few moments and Eddie winced, then Richie burst into laughter and he groaned. “Stop! Stop, I take it back! You’re the worst!”

“You can’t take it back, you said it!” Richie crowed. “Aw, babe, you want to be intimate with me?”

“Shut up.”

“Don’t be embarrassed, babe, everybody wants a piece of this.”

“Shut _up!_”

Richie tugged at his arms, trying to move the hands that were now covering his face. “Hey, hey. Stop, seriously, you don’t have to be embarrassed, okay?”

“Well I _am!_”

He watched Richie bite back a laugh. He glared.

“Sorry,” Richie said, finally forcing his face into neutrality. Eddie stared up at him, cheeks red. Richie was holding himself up on his elbow, leaning over Eddie until they were pressed together. “Seriously, I’m sorry. I’m not exactly well-versed in this either. I didn’t mean to laugh at you. I’m stupid.”

“No you’re not,” Eddie mumbled back, avoiding eye contact.

“Aw,” Richie began to coo, but Eddie poked his cheek.

“No,” he said. He didn’t point out that Richie was just bad at accepting compliments, always turning it into a joke, because he still wanted to have sex and that conversation would probably be an absolute boner killer. Instead, he breathed in a deep, calming breath. He looked up and met Richie’s eyes. “I want to have sex with you.”

“Fuck,” Richie said, his eyes wide. “I almost didn’t think you were serious.”

“Why would I joke about that? I just embarrassed the fuck out of myself!”

“I don’t know!” Richie exclaimed, still leaning over Eddie. “This is – okay. Okay, let’s just…”

He leaned down, slotting their lips together in a dry, chaste kiss. Eddie brought his hands up around Richie’s neck but he could feel them shaking.

“I don’t know why I’m nervous,” he admitted quietly. “But I am. I’m really nervous.”

“We don’t have to –“

“No, I want to.” He licked his lips. “This just feels… bigger, than last time. Please don’t make a dick joke.”

Richie snorted. Eddie rolled his eyes with a huff.

“Seriously. I don’t know, last time was like… all this pent up emotion from like, five years of not seeing each other, and this time we’re just… Here.” He closed his eyes, embarrassed again. “Sorry. I don’t know why I’m being weird, I –“

Richie lowered himself down. “You’re not being weird, you’re just putting too much pressure on yourself. Do you think – Could it possibly be because of what we talked about last night? About – about how I’ve got more experience?”

Eddie sucked in a breath. “I don’t want to look stupid if I don’t know what to do, or what to say, not even just with sex but with everything! What are things I have to ask for and what are things that I can just do? What if I do something… weird, or bad, like, during sex, and I don’t know it and you have to tell me and then it’s embarrassing! What if – I don’t know! I don’t even know _what_ to worry about because I’ve never done this before!”

Eddie covered his face with his hands again.

“I don’t want you to feel embarrassed in front of me,” Richie said softly. “I don’t – I mean, I can’t even imagine feeling embarrassed in front of you. I’m not… You know I’m just kidding if I make fun of you or whatever, right? I’m not actually… I don’t want to – Fuck. I don’t know how to say it. But like, you make fun of me, too. That’s just how we are. I don’t get embarrassed ‘cause like, I know you’ll still be there to make fun of me for the next dumb thing I do.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, blinking back tears.

“Nothin’ to be sorry for. You just don’t need to worry so much. You’re looking for things to worry about. This should be… This shouldn’t be another worry for you, you shouldn’t have to worry about us. It’s new but it also… isn’t. It’s a sure thing. You can say something stupid or whatever but I’m still gonna love you.”

“What if it’s _really_ stupid? Or bad? What if I’m bad at sex stuff? Or I’m too… plain, you know?”

“There is no level of stupid that you could possibly reach that would make me not love you, dumbass,” Richie said bluntly. “And you could give me dry as fuck handjobs for the rest of our lives and I’d still be happy because it’s _you_. Ask me any stupid question you fucking want! I don’t know how else to reassure you. I waited five years for you, Eds, I’m not going to just fuck off because you do one stupid thing.”

“You didn’t – It wasn’t _waiting_ five years for me, it was just five years that we didn’t see each other.”

“Why do you think I haven’t had a serious relationship, Eddie? I never gave anybody a chance! I _would’ve_ waited ten years!”

“Don’t say that,” Eddie said, feeling a hint of anger bubbling to the surface. “You don’t mean that so don’t say it.”

“What the fuck?” Richie’s voice was incredulous. “I do mean it. You can’t tell me what I feel –“

“Oh my God, Richie, no one would wait _ten years_ for someone that they don’t even know if they’ll ever see again!”

“I would have,” he answered, voice hard. “Maybe that sounds crazy to you since your mom fucked you up so bad, but –“

“Excuse me? My mom _fucked me up so bad_? What the hell does that mean?” Eddie questioned.

“Eddie! You’re searching for things to worry about because of her! I’m not gonna kick you out if you tell me something I don’t like but you act like one tiny mistake and I’m gonna – I don’t know, break up with you? I don’t understand, do you think there’s a time limit on our relationship?”

He was standing now, tugging at his own hair as he paced next to the bed. Eddie sat up and watched him, breath catching in his chest and tears brimming at his eyes. He shook his head when Richie looked at him for an answer.

“Then I don’t – I don’t know what to say, Eddie. I love you. If you don’t believe that, then…”

“Then what?” Eddie asked, voice breaking. “I can go back home?”

“_No!_” Richie exploded angrily. “That’s exactly what I mean! You literally think I’m going to kick you out! I’m not your fucking mom, Eddie!”

Silence settled over them. Eddie’s hands shook in his lap and tears finally began to roll down his face. His anger had burned out, just like it had with his mom. Richie stormed out of the room, leaving the door open. Eddie sat still, silently crying, wondering if he was going to come back. He wondered if he _wanted_ him to come back.

_Yes_, a voice in his head told him. _You do_.

Maybe he was right. Maybe it wasn’t normal to worry so much, to be so terrified that one step out of line would be the last straw, the metaphorical boxes on the front stoop. Some part of him knew Richie would never kick him out, but he couldn’t help but worry even now. Richie wouldn’t want him in the guest room if they broke up. He wouldn’t say it but it would be obvious. Eddie would just have to leave, with nothing and no one.

His head shot up at the sound of the door clicking closed. Richie was standing there, strands of hair around his face dripping with water like he’d splashed some on his face. He was pale and the anger had washed away from his features. Eddie sighed in relief as Richie walked closer, sitting in front of him but not looking up.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” he said quietly. “I’m mad at your mom and I took it out on you and I’m sorry. I’m just… I’m frustrated. Because I know that I love you unconditionally, and I know that you love me unconditionally, but I don’t think _you_ know those things. And I think it’s because your mom didn’t…”

He paused, licking his lips and glancing around the room. His eyes finally landed on Eddie. They were big and blue, earnest and…

_Home_, Eddie thought.

“I don’t think she gave you unconditional love,” he continued. “And I know – I know that you still love her, and this is – it’s not even my place to… Whatever. But I hate her, Eddie. I hate her so _fucking_ much because I don’t –“

His voice cracked. Eddie’s eyes widened as tears fell down Richie’s pale cheeks. He reached out, cupping his face in his hands and wiping them away with his thumbs.

“Richie, don’t cry,” he mumbled, unsure of what to say. Richie sniffled loudly.

“I was trying to be really adult and stuff, talking through our issues or whatever shit my parents tried to sell me before I moved out, but now I’m just fucking crying.”

Eddie laughed a little. “Your parents?”

“They gave me a talk about relationships, and how to like, resolve conflict or what the fuck ever. Like, don’t talk about it until you’re not angry, explain your feelings, apologize if you need to, yadda yadda yadda.”

“Sounds like they knew what they were talking about,” Eddie commented softly.

“Yeah,” Richie agreed, sniffling again. “Anyway. Those are my feelings. Do with them what you will.”

“Right,” Eddie said, trying to gather his thoughts. Richie had stopped crying and he dropped his hands back into his lap. “I know I maybe… have some – some trust issues. That’s not your fault. There’s nothing you can do to just… magically fix that. But, it’s also not _my_ fault. So… it felt like you were blaming me. I know my mom is – well. My mom. You can be angry about that on my behalf but – um… Be nice? I guess. I’ll try not to worry so much about being embarrassed. I don’t know how not to feel stupid about things. I don’t think it has anything to do with you. So. Yeah.”

“Okay,” Richie said after a moment. “That’s – cool. Mom and Dad didn’t say what to do after the whole communicating thing so I don’t really know where to take us from here.”

Eddie laughed. Richie shrugged in response. “We still did pretty good, though. Solving our issues like adults.”

He held his hand up for a high five. Eddie rolled his eyes but still gave it to him with a smile.

“So…” Richie looked behind him toward the door before turning back to Eddie. He waggled his eyebrows “I’m pretty sure we’re home alone right now.”

“Well I’m hungry now,” Eddie said. “Let’s have breakfast. I remember you promising something about breakfast.”

* * *

Eddie stepped out of the cab in front of a large building. With a weary sigh he went inside, finding an empty computer and sitting down to type out his resume. He looked online for samples and did the best he could, frowning when it barely took up half a page. He’d had one job. Which he had just quit. It didn’t look good. He could only hope the calls Miss Williams planned to make created a miracle.

He printed ten copies and headed back outside. The weather was nice so he started walking, taking in the shops and offices as he passed. He reached the corner of the street and stopped, trying to decide which direction to go in; before he could make up his mind his feet had made the decision for him. His eyes landed on the shop and within a few minutes he was there. He went inside the bookstore, glancing around before wandering aimlessly toward a row of shelves.

“Can I help you?”

“Just looking, thanks,” he said, letting his eyes roam the spine of each book. The smell of coffee filled his nose and he realized there was a small coffee bar toward the back of the store, complete with a comfortable looking couch and table. On the coffee bar was a small sign that said ‘ask for assistance’, and Eddie wondered if that meant the girl behind the desk worked here alone. He didn’t think on it too much, instead browsing some more, chuckling to himself when he found Bill’s book, stopping thoughtfully when he got to one about abnormal psychology.

He hadn’t realized he’d gotten into the nonfiction section.

Hesitantly, he picked up the book. He couldn’t shake the thought that perhaps he needed more help with his anxiety than he’d gotten during school. He’d only had 6 free sessions with the counselor, and they’d barely scratched the surface. Eddie hadn’t even brought up his mother yet.

He opened the book and his eyes widened at the table of contents. Everything from anxiety to mood to personality to behavioral disorders. He flipped to the section marked anxiety, skimmed the introduction, and found a small heading that said ‘Generalized Anxiety Disorder’. It seemed a good place to start.

He closed the book and went to the register, handing it over to the cashier and pulling out his wallet. As he pulled his cash out, he caught sight of a sign on the desk.

‘Now Hiring’.

He paused, staring at it.

“Did you… um, want to apply?”

Eddie jumped. “Uh. Actually, you know what? Yes. I do.”

The girl's eyes widened in surprise, as though no one had ever shown any interest in the sign before, and after he purchased the book she handed him an application.

“Can I bring it by tomorrow? I’d like to fill it out at home,” Eddie said, looking at the form. It was three pages long. The girl told him to come around lunch time so he could meet her manager, and Eddie agreed. He left the store feeling good. He loved books. Why not work at a bookstore? It wouldn’t pay as much as an office job, but it would be enough to live comfortably. It would be quiet and calm. Low pressure. Weird hours, maybe, and no weekends off, but he could handle that. At least – at least until he felt settled. Less like a fish out of water.

He filled out the application as soon as he got home, smiling to himself when he finished.

* * *

Eddie was showered and in bed, skimming through his new purchase, when Richie arrived home from work. He shoved open the door with his foot, hands full of take-out bags and sodas.

“I got Taco Bell,” he announced grandly.

Eddie grimaced.

“Yeah,” Richie agreed, and tossed Eddie two tacos. “But it’s the cheapest option.”

“Speaking of money,” Eddie said lightly. “I went to the library after you left to print out some resumes and I stopped in this bookstore and… I picked up an application. Gonna drop that off tomorrow, I think.”

“A bookstore?” Richie asked curiously.

“There’s a coffee bar, too.” He bit his lip. “I know it’s not really using my business degree, I just –“

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Eds,” he said. “As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

“That’s sappy,” Eddie told him. Richie shrugged and sat next to him on the bed, pulling out his own tacos. “You’re gonna get crumbs in the bed.”

“Oh well,” Richie said through a bite of taco. “That’s life, baby.”

Eddie huffed, shoving his shoulder. “Use a napkin, oh my God.”

Richie laughed but grabbed a napkin from the bag. They finished eating quickly and Eddie got himself comfortable on the bed. Richie left the room to shower and Eddie put his new book on the nightstand. They’d have to buy a bookshelf, too. And Eddie would need to buy new books to fill it, since he hadn’t brought any of his own.

He could hear Bev yelling something from down the hall, followed by Ben’s laughter, and it made him smile. He was considering getting up and hanging out with them, since he’d only spent about an hour with them before he’d gotten ready for bed, but then Richie was standing in the doorway and Eddie realized it was him Beverly was yelling at.

“Bev thinks I need to put clothes on,” he said, rolling his eyes. He shut the door behind him with a thud. His towel was around his neck and his boxers hung low on his hips. Eddie licked his lips. “I thought I’d get your opinion on the matter.”

Eddie could tell he was joking. He tossed the towel on the floor, and Eddie made a mental note to pick it up later, before Richie crawled on the bed next to him.

“My opinion on the matter,” Eddie said, not bothering to hide his interest, “is that the only time you’re allowed to _not_ be wearing clothes is when you’re either in the shower or alone with me.”

“_Oh?_”

“Don’t want Bev getting any ideas,” he explained, smirking.

“She won’t,” Richie promised. “Have you seen Ben?”

Eddie snorted. “I have, actually. Point still stands.”

Richie raised his eyebrows. “That’s high praise.”

Eddie nodded. He and Richie stared at each other, and without looking away he pulled his own shirt off, tossing it off the edge of the bed. Richie’s hand found his thigh, just resting against his sweatpants, and he breathed in slowly. With shaking hands, he curled fingers into Richie’s hair and tugged him forward, their lips coming together as Richie leaned over him. Eddie let Richie control the kiss, let him lick inside his mouth and bite his lower lip. He was already tugging his pants off, sighing when their hips pressed together. He could feel how hard Richie already was and it sent a jolt of pleasure through him.

He let his hands roam Richie’s back as they made out, lazily sliding their tongues together. The slow grind of their cocks, still both in their underwear, wasn’t enough friction, and he finally pulled away from Richie’s bruised lips. Richie looked down at him, flushed and wide eyed.

“What do you wanna do?”

“Will you – I want you to…” He huffed, unsure how to say it. Just saying _fuck me_ wasn’t enough. But he didn’t want to sound cheesy, either.

“C’mon, babe,” Richie mumbled into his skin, pressing wet kisses to his neck. “What do you want?”

“I want you inside me,” he said quickly, closing his eyes. He felt Richie’s mouth freeze and his hips stutter.

“Okay,” he whispered, breath hot on Eddie’s neck. He was already reaching down to help Eddie take off his underwear, sliding his own boxers down his legs as well. Eddie could feel him reaching to the side, could hear the sound of a drawer opening and closing. Finally, the sound of a lid being flicked open. “Just my fingers? Like last time?”

“No.” He reached between them, wrapping a hand around Richie. “Want… All of you.”

“_Yeah_,” Richie muttered, pressing one last kiss to his neck and pulling back. Eddie watched him, taking in the bruised lips and the messy curls, the pink cheeks and hard cock. Richie was the best thing he’d ever seen.

“I love you,” he said, because he was bursting with it. Richie looked up from where he was rubbing lube between his fingers.

Eddie wanted to bottle up the soft smile on Richie’s face as he leaned back over him, their lips meeting in a sweet kiss. “I love you, too, Eds. So fuckin’ much.”

Eddie nodded as Richie’s fingers circled him, and before long he was one knuckle deep. Eddie breathed in deeply and let out a long sigh, and he heard Richie murmur _there we go_ before a second finger joined the first. He focused on breathing slowly, keeping his body relaxed, feeling Richie’s long fingers stretching him out. His entire body was hot, a flush spreading down his chest, sweat beading at his temples. His hands were at his sides, clenching and unclenching into fists.

“You’re doing so good,” Richie said, pressing soft kisses against his skin and pulling a laugh from Eddie. “What?”

“Nothing, just –“ he met Richie’s eye and shrugged. “Soft kisses.”

Richie barked out a laugh of his own, letting his forehead fall against Eddie’s until he wasn’t smiling so wide. “I’m never gonna live the soft kisses thing down, am I?”

“Nope,” Eddie confirmed quietly. “They were nice, though. You can do it some more if you want.”

He sighed when Richie’s lips made their way down his chest, pressing those soft kisses into his skin as he moved lower and lower, stopping when he reached Eddie’s dick and pressing in a third finger.

“Last one, okay?”

Eddie nodded, breath starting to come faster. He squeezed himself at the base, closed his eyes tightly. He could already feel heat pooling in his stomach, and Richie was still only using his fingers, had even been avoiding his prostate.

His worries about coming too soon ended when Richie pulled his fingers out and replaced them with the head of his cock.

Eddie gasped, instinctively clenching. Richie’s entire body was covering him, and he brought one hand up to card through his curls.

“Relax, babe,” Richie whispered. Eddie could hear the strain in his voice and he sucked in a deep breath. “C’mon, you can do it. Just breathe slow, okay?”

“Yeah,” Eddie choked out, gasping again as Richie started to push inside. He breathed deeply, trying to relax his muscles.

“That’s it, baby.” Richie was whispering the words into his skin as he pressed in more and more. “Doing so good. So good for me.”

Eddie whined, tightening his grip on Richie’s hair and squeezing his eyes closed against the sudden tears building. They both released a sigh when Richie bottomed out, and he kissed Eddie’s lips as he waited.

“Can you kiss me a little more?”

He could feel Richie’s smile against his lips and he found himself naturally relaxing into the kiss, his body loosening until it didn’t hurt anymore, and he nodded at Richie to start moving.

He started a slow grind, leaving Eddie clutching at his shoulders and letting out soft puffs of breath, but it wasn’t long until Eddie was pressing down, searching for more. He began to move faster, pressing in harder each time and eventually finding the spot that made Eddie gasp. Tears escaped his eyes, dripping down his temples, as Richie continued to hit the same spot. It almost felt like too much, like all of his senses were so overwhelmed that he didn’t know _what_ he was feeling, like somehow he felt _too_ good. Richie was surrounding him, he was the only thing Eddie could feel, see, smell, hear, taste. He knew he was making sounds, his mouth was open but he couldn’t hear himself, could only hear low groans in his ear with every thrust.

And then a hand wrapped around him, stroking slowly at first but moving faster as Eddie’s cries became louder.

“Richie,” he moaned softly, gasping as he thrust particularly deep. “Rich, please, _please_, please, Richie, _fuck_…”

He choked out a sob as he came, his nails digging into Richie’s pale shoulders and legs tightening around his waist. He wasn’t even aware of the hot tears falling from his eyes as Richie fucked him through his orgasm. Every breath was a gasp as Richie continued to move inside him, faster now, until he stilled, voice brokenly whispering Eddie’s name. He winced as Richie pulled out, and he closed his eyes, letting himself melt into the bed. He could hear the sound of Richie removing the condom and moving around the room before the bed dipped next to him. His eyes fluttered open as Richie took the towel he’d used after his shower and cleaned him up.

After they were, as Richie deemed it,_ as clean as they were going to get_, he collapsed into the bed next to Eddie, throwing an arm and a leg over him and pressing his nose into Eddie’s neck. Eddie shivered at the feeling of breath against his skin. They lay quietly for what felt like hours, though Eddie was somehow aware it had only been half an hour at the most.

“Do you want to shower?” He asked, shifting so that he could see Richie’s face. “And wash the sheets…”

“We can shower,” Richie said easily. “But if we wash the sheets we won’t have anything to sleep on, so…”

“What?”

“What, what?”

“You don’t have more than one set of sheets?”

“Am I supposed to?”

“Oh my God, Richie,” Eddie said, exasperated. “Yes! You’re supposed to, so that you have clean sheets to put on your bed while you wash the dirty ones! Who raised you!”

“Went and Maggie may have taught me communication skills, but they clearly didn’t do great with the whole housekeeping thing,”

“Do you need to get up early tomorrow?” Eddie asked, sighing in relief when Richie said no. “Okay, then we’re going to wash these and we just won’t go to bed until they’re done.”

“You’re a little bit crazy, Eddie Spaghetti,” Richie informed him with a dopey smile. “I love you, but… fucking crazy.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Get up so I can strip the bed.”

“I’d rather strip you,” Richie said, standing.

“I’m already naked.”

“Fuck yeah, you are,” he agreed, eyes dragging up and down Eddie’s body. He blushed. “Anyway. I’ll throw these sheets in the wash if you get our shower ready.”

“Should I trust you with knowing how to do laundry?” Eddie asked warily. Richie winked, didn’t answer, and ran off with the sheets. Eddie huffed a laugh, finding his sweatpants from the floor and pulling them on. He was halfway to the shower when he realized Richie hadn’t put clothes on. He glanced back to Ben and Bev’s bedroom; their door was closed, the light was off. He hoped they were in bed already.

He started the shower, then leaned out the bathroom door to look down the hall, past the living room to where the laundry was. He could see Richie’s naked figure coming toward him, only realizing too late that the only reason he could see him through the darkness was by the light of the television.

He waited for Bev’s inevitable scream but it didn’t come. Richie bent down to kiss him and Eddie shut the door behind them.

“Please stop walking through the house naked. Especially when our roommates are in the living room,” Eddie said, trying not to smile.

“They were _asleep_!”

“They could’ve woken up!”

“What’s life if you don’t live on the wild side, Eds,” Richie said with a wave of his hand before stepping into the shower. “_Fuck_, that’s hot!”

Eddie snorted, following his boyfriend into the shower and rolling his eyes. “It’s not even _that_ hot.”

“Because I already turned it down,” Richie said, as though it were obvious. Eddie looked at him and laughed; he hadn’t taken his glasses off. He reached up and grabbed them, placing them on the counter outside the tub. “Thank you, Spaghetti.”

“Don’t call me that,” Eddie told him, grabbing the shampoo and thrusting it at Richie. “Wash my hair, asshole.”

Richie did, and Eddie sighed happily, leaning against him as he rinsed the suds out. They stayed like that, Richie’s arms wrapped around his shoulders, letting the water wash over them. Eddie could feel the tension from the week melting away. He’d felt it earlier, looking in Richie’s eyes, and he felt it again now, standing beneath the shower spray, head against Richie’s chest.

_This is home_, he thought, eyes fluttering shut. _This is home._


End file.
